Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Gifts of Nix

(Mom and typical readership, you might want to skip this one. It might bother you.)

The following is an example of a peculiar state I sometimes experience. I don't know what to call it. It isn't as deep as trance or dream. It seems to be a state of consciousness in between. (Of course! I live in the between places!) There were some interesting images in this one and it wasn't as personal as usual (though it is still personal, as all mystic experiences are), so I decided to share it. I don't enter the state all at once. It's more like a smooth take-off in an airplane. As such, there is information at the beginning and end that came from an incomplete immersion in the altered state. I thought it was important to include, both because it makes more sense that way and because I want people who experience this (chronically or in the future) to see what the process is like for me, hopefully to feel more comfortable with their own experiences. I think the transition is fairly obvious but keep in mind that it is a transition, there is no place it starts or stops really. It begins with me well on my way there, taxying down to the runway, so to speak. There is a star (*) next to the line that indicates I'm pretty fully there, two (**) for the beginning and end of the peak immersion, and one (*) at the point I was completely out. During these experiences, I'm often talking to a particular person. He's sort of my anchor to mutual reality when I get like this. I used to go in deeper before I had someone to talk to, but it took me to a level of disconnection from mutual reality that I can't really afford to explore much these days, and I couldn't keep a record when I got like that. Point being, this is a transcript of our messenger conversation throughout the experience. I've redacted a lot of what he said, both because I don't feel I have the right to share more of his words than necessary and because, honestly, when I was fully immersed in the experience, I didn't notice he was saying anything, so it would only disrupt the translation of my experience to your consciousness. His remarks, when included, are given in parentheses and italics. (Such as this.) Other remarks in parentheses are my own annotations, though I offer few of these (maybe only one, in fact) for the same reason I don't offer many of his remarks. The only other changes I've made are to correct typos. It would be utterly incomprehensible otherwise because I hardly spelled a word in twenty correctly. Punctuation or lack thereof are original. ***A final note, the situation at the beginning is intentionally left vague; please do not attempt to draw conclusions about it or either party. Just intuitively lose yourself in the words and images.***
Darkness and depression can offer transcendent experiences, even healing, if you surrender yourself to the waves instead of fighting to stay afloat. If there is anything you take from this, let it be that. 
We made an offering TOGETHER to YOUR goddess on MY altar. No matter what I'm technically free to do I'm not free in my heart. "I'll go into your land and your gods shall be my gods" I'm not free in my heart. And it's not enough. Nothings enough. And I hate myself.
I don't want anyone but you. I just want more of you. And I can't have that.
And it makes me want to rip out my fucking heart and eat it
And pour the blood on your head screaming this is yours

 Pain is fire. Fire is ash. Ash is life. I just want death

(Tries to explain the situation from his perspective.)

You don't understand at all

(No, I don't.)
That's kind of it.

(Expresses his reasons for that night's events.)
It's not just tonight. That was just the empty space that allowed my crazy to walk free
The crazy was already there
I think I'm crazier than you even. You see things other people can't see. I love things that aren't even real
Impossible stupid things.
It only exists in my head in my dark bright little brainmaginationarium
Willow wisps and fairy tales and other horror stories fit only for children who dont understand the horror
The fucking horror of hope
Hope for little birds to be friends with a fox who will only eat them
Even tho the fox wants nothing so much as birdy friends to help her fly
*But foxes live underground
In the dark secret places only foxes know and go
And foxes cant fly
They can only bury themselves alive
Pretty little birdsongs
All foxy can do is listen from the cold silence of her cave
And cache
And cache
And cache
And fucking pounce
Bye bye birdy
Foxes shouldn't hunt birds
Let alone try to love them
Foxes fit only for pouncing on dirty crawling things

(I'm not a bird.)
Yeah huh. Fly away birdy free in the clouds
Doing happy sky dances with the other freelings
Bye bye foxy. Bury yourself like a cache
Hope you dont rot
Maybe I should be ice
Come and eat me mr wight you've already had a taste
Im sweet snd sour flavored
Ice doesn't let things rot. They dont go back to ash. They stay frozen in timeless death. A sick yet sweet parody of life
Maybe im tasty to ice
Oh wouldn't it be nice
Beach boys. How inappropriate
**Iiiiiiiiim just an empty shell hanging on a bad love spell. Oh hello purple suit man have we met before?
Is that hell back there? cuz it looks like it has rides
I like the one with the swans
All seven sisters die in that one you know
Lucky swans
What? Its not 7 its 7 !
7 is like intuition. Mine requires repairs
My psyche wouldn't pass inspection
Did you know there are two 7s? I didn't until purple suit man told me
I think it was purple suit man
But it was hard to say in the fog and the bending over
I wonder who he is
Hes like a gatekeeper
Oh hello goat
Youre quite a gracious host
I quite like the swans
Were they black before?
I dont think they were
Trace the trailwayguy on down city streets cant ever catch him bc he knows youre asleep!
He wears red with yellow spots
But he also wears shadows
The executive shaman carries a burn bag. But its plastic. Its a shred bag. And he talks like the 50s
Executive shaman knows where to go
Right to the books and through them through them through them
I don't like executive shaman but he likes me
He says hey you do roots. I do skyscraper
And I say yeah brother you need roots
And he says its in the paper in the books. Theyre just screaming trees
Why does he shred? is it because of the screaming?
Youd think theyd scream anyway
Maybe hes setting the trees free
Maybe the roots are prisons
Maybe trees want to fly too

(What are you channeling?) (This message included because it knocked me into the next image.)
I saw something
Someone gave you a mandala
And youre standing on it
And thats why youre here
But its good.
Everyone else is spinning spinning spinning and theyre gonna go whiiiiiizzzzzzz slam but youll be in the middle still standing
You were a lady
Youre beautiful
And very nice feet!
Youre so beautiful
Come live with me and be my love beautiful lady
And I'll shear the sheep
And make you fine garments of their wool
And when we eat I'll make you soft moccasins for your beautuful feet
The mandala was a tree too
So many trees
Everything is trees
The trees are better than us you know
More productive
And knowing their prison they are more free
They use their prison for their energy
Smart sneaky trees
**Fog creeps in on cat paws and so does sleep
Dont know how much longer I can fight the dark lady and her starry cloak
Nix innana oblivion me
Spreading wings of dark energy

I dont know thats just what they told me
Its gone
No more sight or sleep
Only weep weep weep
*What the hell did I say?
 (Umm a lot.) 
All I remeber is something about swans and trees. And I remember the part about you on the mandala. You were so beautiful. It was the inside you, manifest.

(I'm reading the old messages now.)

Omg this shit is hilarious
7 is like intuition mine requires repairs. Hahahaha
(Yeah it was kind of a word salad.)
A lot of it makes sense to me. I can see some of the images again when I read it. Just not as clearly.
I have no idea how there are two sevens. I think it has something to do with polarity
They were different colors
Someone was telling me about them

But all I was allowed to say was that there are two
Why did you say you didn't want to be the reason that was going on? Do you think it was bad?
(It seemed like it had that potential)
Oh. I feel fine. Much improved actually. I really want some macaroni salad.
My own still beating heart no longer sounds appetizing so that's probably good.
I remember what that felt like though. I finally understand human sacrifice I think
Like on a visceral level, rather than as an archaeologist.
And then we started talking about things that aren't mine to disclose. I hope that was somewhat interesting to lose yourself in for a bit. If any of the images resonate with you, or if you're just curious, or if you have questions about altered states of consciousness, or want to talk about your own experiences, or even if you're just lonely, please feel free to share in the comments or contact me by email at lpbridge0902@gmail.com. Blessings and blessings!